Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”