Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Aaaa…CHOO!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”