someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Tarantino鈥檚 Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 馃き
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn鈥檛 arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as pi帽atas do
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it鈥檚 for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte馃檮
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I鈥檓 fifteen
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey鈥攇et some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he鈥檚 looking very round today.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I鈥鈥檓 not sure what to do
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.