Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish