Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Not my job 😂
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.