I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”