“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already