I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
They must have gotten it to go.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.