What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.