Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now