If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?