my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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