My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”