*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following