Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Watermelon Boss!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.