[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Midwest trash talk
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five