Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office