Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
War & Peace
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri