*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
You Might Also Like
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse