Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
crochet youtube is brutal
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land