[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
o shit
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom