[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
You Might Also Like
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’