When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.