Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something