Miscakes
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs