PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.