Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Sooo many times…..
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?