4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
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Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.