This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
You Might Also Like
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
These are my roll models.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.