Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun