I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
uh oh
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?