The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Weighing up my bread heating options
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby