Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol