Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
the three genders
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever