I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Perfect
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.