I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”