*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?