women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.