“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
who will stop them
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.