Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Pringles
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?