3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You Might Also Like
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me