That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My purse is deeper than some people.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.