One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My wife has the worst taste in men.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I don’t get marriage
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”