I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.