This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Respect
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*