If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.