(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
are they though??
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.