I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.