FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
He-man has a Masters degree
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.