crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
fourth time’s the charm
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that